There are only two kinds of men; the dead and the deadly.

A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor.

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.

A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him, but a sympathetic woman gets him.

Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

When we fall in love, we recognise in the other the fragments of ourselves that we have lost.

Nobody special had come around to replace Duane, and she was moping, going to bed alone every night with a box of Velveeta and a fork.

You are beaten to earth? Well well what's that? Come up with a smiling face it's nothing against you to fall down flat but to lie there - that's disgrace.

He has enough who is contented with little.

A rut... is little more than a coffin with the ends kicked out.

Government cannot be all things to all people.

I was looking at myself, and acknowledged that I wasn't in love at all with him [husband]. I was in love with having children.

There are two kinds of directors in the theater. Those who think they are God and those who are certain of it.

Those who claim to have had happy lives seem to be silly fools.

Even championship-winning teams don't play well all the time.