There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term - because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

My mother had a kindness that embraced all life.She knew her place well and was comfortable in giving everything she had.This is the tradition of native women.

My love to pray is my love to communicate with my Creator.

Trying to be like me as a person is not a good idea. To have the same interest, to talk about the same and so on and so on... it's kind time waste!

Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be.

When I go to the old folks' home, I'm gonna be sitting in a rocking chair, telling everybody how I worked with Jack [Lemmon] and Walter [Matthau].

No matter what you do, at the end of the day you can't please everybody. I'm not hear to please.

Don't go to a school just because your friends are there or because it sounds like a dream school. Go to a program that fits your style of play.

Nature, with equal mind, Sees all her sons at play, Sees man control the wind, The wind sweep man away.

Everybody that's living in this earth is living in a situation. It's not narrow-minded to the point where everybody is serious and nobody has a personality. I think people die telling jokes.

At the bottom of enmity between strangers lies indifference.