There are some dogs that are gigantic that look like they shouldn't be in existence.

Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

Love doesn't go anywhere when you die, you know. The person passes on, the body withers, but love, it survives.

Belief gives you the power to achieve the extraordinary

Every night is a time for drink.

Although the dream is a very strange phenomenon and an inexplicable mystery, far more inexplicable is the mystery and aspect our minds confer on certain objects and aspects of life.

The best scheme of finance is, to spend as little as possible; and the best tax is always the lightest.

Once kick the world, and the world and you will live together at a reasonably good understanding.

I only know how to play one role: me.

I was taken to concerts when I was six, seven years old, and sat in a box throughout the whole evening.

Absolutist morality doesn't have to come from religion but usually does.

When you want to learn about something, what is the first thing you do... you go to the internet.