There are some secrets you want to keep to yourself, even if they don't matter. They might only matter if you keep them secret.

Anyone who gives you a cinnamon roll fresh out of the oven is a friend for life.

Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can exactly agree on what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear.

Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.

I didn't realize this was a sad occasion.

They didn't understand it, but like so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby - awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

Chestnuts in stuffing tastes like someone chewed up a tree branch and then French-kissed it into your mouth.

The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it turns up.

Accidents happen all the time.

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.

Unlike sharing, where the group is mainly an aggregate of participants, cooperating creates group identity.

With each passing moment I'm becoming part of the past. There is no future for me, just the past steadily accumulating.

The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and think critically. Intelligence plus character

It's a shame stupidity isn't painful.

My narrators tend to be women with low self-esteem, so I can send them to charm school.

A fool tries to look different: a clever man looks the same and is different.

It's a letdown if the comedian doesn't finally actually really sit on his hat.

To be honest, I'm not much of a drinker. It makes me sick, and I hate that.

As a parent you walk around trying to be perfect, but you don't have to be perfect. That's the key. You just have to be faithful, and when I say faithful I mean you have to give your all.