There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Knights do protect ladies, but only to keep them from being abducted by other knights.

Happy the man who has broken the chains which hurt the mind and has given up worrying once and for all.

If the Mormon Church still supported polygamy, and if it appeared to be a system that was not exploitative of women, I wouldn't feel that it's my place to forbid it.

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

I had an appreciation for clothes and style starting at a young age, my mom was always very fashionable and I loved playing dress up in her closet. So I think my passion for design was always there.

It is sometimes necessary to play the fool to avoid being deceived by cunning men.

All fiction is autobiographical fantasy.

Philosophy has to be enquiring; it can take nothing on faith, and its methods are based not on the blind acceptance of authority, but on establishing truths by reason and argument.

New images surround us everywhere. They are invisible only because of sterile routine convention and fear.

If Kevin James or Paul Giamatti drop weight, I'm done. I don't want to be the last pudge out there.