There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

New cells are born everyday and old cells die, but they have neither funerals nor birthdays.

It is the writer who might catch the imagination of young people, and plant a seed that will flower and come to fruition.

There was a time when we would pick up Women's Wear Daily and couldn't wait to see what it read. And now, you get it five minutes later on your iPad or your phone! The same has to apply to fashion.

Are you suggesting that we reopen the Opera with a murder as an added attraction?

Let us consider under what disadvantages Science has hitherto labored before we pronounce thus confidently on her progress.

Let us consider that swearing is a sin of all others peculiarly clamorous, and provocative of Divine judgment.

Religion gets in the way of morality.

Comedians are the nearest to suicide.

You know, I never did music for money. I did music to hear myself in the club, and to hear my creation on the radio.

And much more am I sorrier for my good knights' loss than for the loss of my fair queen; for queens I might have enough, but such a fellowship of good knights shall never be together in no company.