There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

With a clear idea of what you want in life, you need to actively pursue your dream. Half-hearted attempts will not work.

It is better for a soul to write the wonders of time while there is still breath.

Life grants nothing to us mortals without hard work.

Everyone wants to be part of the 99%, even the cops are like, "No, no, man. I'm part of the 99% too." No one wants to be part of the 1%.

Becoming the reader is the essence of becoming a writer.

Reputation, like a face, is the symbol of its possessor and creator, and another can use it only as a mask.

The only way to find out why someone decides to engage in armed combat is to look at their individual personality.

Even though I have many obstacles in my life, I don't want people to feel bad for me.

I might be old, but I'm still desirable.

We hope the day will soon come when every girl will be a member of a great Union of Unmarried Women, pledged to refuse an offer ofmarriage from any man who is not an advocate of their emancipation.