There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

A humanitarian seldom makes a good lover. For a lover’s world revolves around their lover, while a humanitarian’s world revolves around the world.

Lord, bless me with the ability to achieve all that I can, and the wisdom to realize it doesn't all have to be by tomorrow!

Right afterward I read Fast Food Nation. That book changed my life: It made me a vegetarian.

warm-heartedness generally begins at home, and those who are warm to others are warmer to themselves; it is but the overflow.

MOTHER (a word that means the world to me)

It takes someone very special to help you forget someone very special.

When was the last time you thanked you for always being there for you? Self appreciation soothes an aching soul.

I've never known an auctioneer to lie unless it was absolutely necessary.

When it comes to performing and entertaining, the art removes itself from the writing.

I went from 118 pounds to 135 pounds in a few months. But, I still didn't know anything about food.