There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Small minds are concerned with the extraordinary, great minds with the ordinary.

There is no such thing as pure pleasure some anxiety always goes with it.

To be confident is to act in faith.

I wish you had one of those fairy telescopes that can look into the hearts and souls of people a thousand leagues off, then you might see how much you possess my mind.

When the dust of death has choked a great man's voice, the common words he said turn oracles, the common thoughts he yoked like horses draw like griffins.

World wide capitalism kills more people everyday then Hitler did. And he was crazy.

There is so much in the world to hate, why hate yourself?

Now the truth is, a president really can't control the economy, although his policies do have some effect on it.

The inner circle of pure mathematicians will respond to the book with delight.

Le langage est une peau: je frotte mon langage contre l'autre. Language is a skin; I rub my language against another language.