There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

The tragedy, however, is that you soon realize that the time you thought you had to fulfill the dreams had melted away before your very eyes.

Books do furnish a room.

A man, who needs you, will not come to visit you in the middle of the night. If he is there, definitely wants to stop you from being helpful.

But all years are stupid. It's only when they're over that they become interesting.

Fiction novels, that's my game.

If you were to come to Minnesota, I could have you locked up like that. That's power.

Both in their origins and effects, boredom and stuffy air resemble each other. They are usually generated whenever a large number of people gather together in a closed room.

Slow and steady wins the race, then wastes no time grinding salt-caked glass in your open wounds.

Follow the argument wherever it leads.

What a blessing it is to love books as I love them;- to be able to converse with the dead, and to live amidst the unreal!