There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Without inspiration, we’re all like a box of matches that will never be lit.

As long as you are alive and in good health, everything else will come with time through hard work.

A work of art is an exaggeration.

Beauty is that Medusa's head which men go armed to seek and sever, and dead will starve and sting forever.

I'm an entertainer and I really enjoy entertaining. I think if you're going to really be what you say you are, you have to really live it, work it, practice it, and think it.

Men love women but, even more than that, men love cars.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

A leader is the man who has the ability to get other people to do what they don't want to do, and like it.

Now be silent. Let the One who creates the words speak. He made the door. He made the lock. He also made the key.

Arrested Development opened a lot of doors for me.