There hasn't been an original voice in stand-up since Sam Kinison.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

There will come a respect and dignity for work when the people are being taught.

Over the years, the European Union and the United States have worked together to ensure peace and prosperity for our citizens and for people around the world.

I can't wait to continue traveling and do as much as I can possibly do.

Once upon hearing a friend's bashing comment I said, "Did you reach that conclusion on your own, or did it come through prayer?"

No woman ever ages beyond eighteen in her heart.

I don't use deodorant. If you drink enough water, you shouldn't have to. I think I smell pretty good without it.

They ask me what I'm writing for - I'm writing to show you what we're fighting for.

Every artist has to grow, and has to challenge themselves with a new form of expression

Inherited aptitudes and traits of temperament count for quite as much as length of habituation in deciding what range of habits will come to dominate any individual's scheme of life.

A man's wisdom is his best friend; folly, his worst enemy.