There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

Thanks to technology, the future generation will be able to see Sachin's recorded innings and will accept that our generation was most lucky.

But never forget: When everything feels like it's falling to pieces, the pieces might actually just be falling into place.

Though our conduct seems so very different from that of the higher animals, the primary instincts are much alike in them and in us.

It would be very glamorous to be reincarnated as a great big ring on Liz Taylor's finger.

Our life is our own to-day, to-morrow you will be dust, a shade, and a tale that is told. Live mindful of death; the hour flies.

Either we win this election or we're going to lose our country, because 4 more years of [Barack] Obama, you can't take it.

People of all countries have the right to choose their own social system and road to development in the light of their national conditions and characteristics.

I don't think there's any question that the UFL or any other league that wants to challenge the NFL can have an impact. The demand for professional football is off the charts.

Let a man use great reverence and manners to himself.

Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne.