There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

An empty bus hurtles through the starry nightPerhaps the driver is singingand happy because he sings.

He that loves pleasure must for pleasure fall.

No intelligence system can predict what a government will do if it doesn't know itself.

Great men are not always wise.

God eagerly awaits the chance to bless the person whose heart is turned toward Him.

If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago.

To see a comedy in an environment where you're surrounded by other people that are laughing is great. That's probably more satisfying than just watching it by yourself.

Capitalism is the greatest system ever created for alleviating general human misery, and yet it breeds ingratitude.

The face is the soul of the body.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.