There is a remote tribe that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won't make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid's leg.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

He's beautiful. Not specifically to look at, but to be with.

When fate's got it in for you there's no limit to what you may have to put up with.

The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls.

Nothing cools so fast as undue enthusiasm. Water that has boiled freezes sooner than any other.

I'm a huge comic book fan - me and the kids.

English had hit upon a splendid joke. The intended to catch me or to bring me down.

When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.” “Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?

There can never be any substitute for your own palate nor any better education than tasting the wine yourself.

Not everyone who has made peace with God has realized the peace of God.

The harp was so much more gestural and physical for me than the piano - something about bringing this instrument into your body.