There is a very difficult period in a comedian's career - it's that window of time where you're good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

....you only get one chance at sharing a soul, but that once was enough if it was the right soul.

I want to make guys put the ball in play. If I give up ten hits, then I give up ten hits. But I want to work on making them earn it.

I mean, how many men would have gone on to the floor of the House as Carolyn Maloney did and wear a burkha to show the fight of Afghan women.

Solitude causes us to write because it causes us to think.

Young. Old. Just Words.

I see fans all the time. They're always very complimentary and they're always very eager to talk and to share their experiences or get a selfie. They're really, really loyal. And intense.

Winter Wonderland is on my hand, it's kinda rocky

If instead of a figure you put the shadow only of a person, you have found an original starting point, that strangeness of which you have calculated.

Stories are the creative conversion of life itself into a more powerful, clearer, more meaningful experience. They are the currency of human contact.

Ideals are like the stars - you can't touch them with your hands, but by following them you reach your destination.