There is always some specific moment when we become aware that our youth is gone; but, years after, we know it was much later.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

It's the most unhappy people who most fear change.

A hypochondriac is one who has a pill for everything except what ails him.

It's innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn't.

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.

We lavish on animals the love we are afraid to show to people. They might not return it; or worse, they might.

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.

We choose those we like; with those we love, we have no say in the matter.

They threaten me with lung cancer, and still I smoke and smoke. If they'd only threaten me with hard work, I might stop.

Pity all newlyweds. She cooks something nice for him, and he brings her flowers, and they kiss and think: How easy marriage is.

If you truly live, you will never truly die!

Timing, perseverance, and ten years of trying will eventually make you look like an overnight success.

Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes).

The prettier the wine bottle, the higher the likelihood sorority girls will buy it.

There is, so I believe, in the essence of everything, something that we cannot call learning. There is, my friend, only a knowledge - that is everywhere.

Obviously [my daughters] - and Michelle - have made a lot of sacrifices on behalf of my cockamamie ideas, the running for office and things.

My wife's not only my best friend but she's damn hot, too.

I think my dad is a lot cooler than other dads. He still acts like he's still 17.

I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them.

And also I think particularly as a female, you're taught to be defensive your whole life. You're taught not to be aggressive.