There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy.

Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then some.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny.

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record.

How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the same dances.

The body of the last Flealouse contained the flesh of everything that had ever lived. It was content.

Living means constantly growing closer to death. Satisfaction only temporarily relieves hunger. Find the balance, and plant your feet.

I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags.

Amazon has well passed any expectations of its ability to change distribution and marketing.

When it comes to dividing Americans on the basis of their gender, I know a little something about the subject.

War is the greatest plague that can afflict mankind... Any scourge is preferable to it.

The power of storytelling is exactly this: to bridge the gaps where everything else has crumbled.

Christian joy is a gift of God flowing from a good conscience.

If someone throws you the ball, you don't have to catch it.

The domination of one's spirit and mind is not a pretty thing, but I think it happens.