There is no harder thing to give up than the thing that was supposed to make you happy.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie.

You can spend too much time wondering which of identical twins is the more alike.

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering.

Ever wonder what crime you committed that you are confined to a small enclosure above your sinuses, under permanent skull arrest?

If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that "Members not Present" and "Subjects Discussed" were one and the same.

It finally happened. I got the GPS lady so confused, she said, "In one-quarter mile, make a legal stop and ask directions.

For the most part, we carnivores do not eat other carnivores. We prefer to eat our vegetarian friends.

On a windswept hill by a billowing sea, my destiny sits and waits for me.

It is not that love is blind. It is that love sees with a painter's eye, finding the essence that renders all else background.

Remember to be submissive, thou art analien, a fugitive, and in need.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Silent.

People think I am crazy because they see me doing stand-up, but I am generally not. I am very sad. I'm one of those guys that lights candles and listens to Rachmaninoff.

I never weigh myself. But if I put my trousers on and they don't do up, then I don't eat until I can.

I'm in the public eye, so I don't care who knows what I get done. If I see something sagging, dragging, or bagging, I get it sucked, tucked, or plucked.

I always liked red. It's a picker-upper.

I was excited to explore and see the world. I'd been traveling since I was 6 months old, so I was never fearful of getting on a plane and going somewhere - even America.

I'm a self-made man. Who else would help?

To be on the wire is life. The rest is waiting.

Before a secret is told, one can often feel the weight of it in the atmosphere.