There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

[When asked how many husbands she'd had:] Two of my own, my dear, and several of my friends'.

I get to help people create lives that make them happier and healthier than they were yesterday. I knock on wood that my family is healthy and happy and love each other.

To its great credit, Wimbledon has been a leader in bringing about change and improvement in the sport.

I don't really have any faith in anybody enjoying photographs in a large enough sense to matter. I think it's all about finances, on one side.

Listening is more important than talking. Just hit your mark and believe what you say. Just listen to people and react to what they are saying.

Grace gives us the power to live, and mercy keeps us free from guilt, condemnation, and shame.

I'm a power fanatic. I like to own things, and have them be mine. Acting doesn't belong to you, if you're not the writer or the director.

Being is an issue for one.

Jealousy is a miserable feeling. It means you aspire to something that you cannot have. Even in love, it is better to leave, better not to waste time.