There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Recall that the minimum wage was initially conceived as a method to exclude undesirables from the workforce.

I should like to tell you again of my bitter troubles so that mutually by recounting our grief we can lighten each other's sorrow.

If I love a song, I make it mine.

I think my numbers speak for themselves.

Here in Australia we do get impacted by global economic events. But we should have some confidence that our economy has got strong underlying fundamentals.

Nothing will be left, Nothing in the air, nothing under the earth, nothing in the waters. All will be exterminated.

Where we are going, I don't know. It doesn't seem to be the place that is important but the steps in between.

People live up to your expectations, not their potential.

We asked ourselves what we wanted this company to stand for. We didn't want to just sell shoes. I wasn't even into shoes - but I was passionate about customer service.

To some people, I am a kind of Merlin who takes lots of crazy chances, but rarely makes mistakes.