There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I only write about what I do, what happens to me.

What is a left-wing socialist but a Marxist without a gun?

When I look back on the stuff I used to wear, I wonder why somebody didn't try to stop me. Just a friendly warning, "You may regret this," would have been fine.

Laborin' man an' laborin' woman Hev one glory an' one shame; Ev'y thin' thet' s done inhuman Injers all on 'em the same.

My parents pressed upon me that "In this world, you are a black woman," so I was political about my hair and would not straighten it.

If I'm in a relationship, that girl gets showered with letters from the road. I pour my heart into it.

Music can shoot through the musician like lightening through the sky if that music is unobstructed by thoughts.

There's something final about saying you were married once. It's like saying you were dead once. It shuts them up.

Always look for forced urgent selling.

So listen everybody to what I got to say, there's hope for tomorrow, if we wake up today.