There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

It is our responsibility to pray for a peaceful world.

He was being about as protective as a can-opener.

A fiery little cat you are, Caecelia. Like a lioness in heat, oh how you bloom.

I don't know what the hell is going on with me and this girl, but every single time I'm around her, it's like I lose my shit.

Even if the government spends itself into bankruptcy and the economy still does not recover, Keynesians can always say that it would have worked if only the government had spent more.

I'd love it if American kids were listening to Muslim music.

What this movie needs is more brain eating zombies.

Learn to express rather than impress. Expressing evokes a 'me too' attitude while impressing evokes a 'so what' attitude

Yeah, I'm a fan of the Blue Jays. It's hard. My sports interest has definitely decreased since we've been on the road. It's really hard to follow.

When I do a concert and people put their hands in the air, they're doing it on their own.