There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Loyalty is just the wheels on the bus ... meaning that it keeps things moving but it's neutral when it comes to the direction they move in.

Everybody in the '80s, well, we hate rap. Now, the biggest rapper in the world... Eminem. Rap's a black thing.

Don't let anybody's opinion kill your belief in yourself.

Government is not peaceful; it is inherently coercive.

When the tea is brought at five o'clock And all the neat curtains are drawn with care, The little black cat with bright green eyes Is suddenly purring there.

The great art of life is how to turn the surplus life of the soul into life for the body.

If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way.

Our stand is that of the proletariat and of the masses. For members of the Communist Party, this means keeping to the stand of the Party, keeping to Party spirit and Party policy.

But I mean, again, Zappa's far more musical than the Bonzos ever were.