There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

We were just two broken souls trying to fix one another...Somehow I ended up with a piece of you and you me

Love and gratitude offers courage.

Happiness is a state of awareness, which comes from tranquility, service, love, grace, and forgiveness.

I find Cambridge an asylum, in every sense of the word.

O, if my husband could only love me even a little and not seem to be perfectly indifferent to any sensation of that kind... O my poor aching heart when shall it rest its burden only on the Lord.

Jiu-jitsu is personal efficiency to protect the weaker, which anyone can do. It is the force of leverage against brute force.

Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.

No man at all can be living forever and we must be satisfied.

Japan and Europe seem to have a little more cultural education and so the crowds have been a little more big and enthusiastic, and the places I've played seem a little more classy.

A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.