There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

What other people think of me is not my business.

Time is thought.

Such a voice this man has. The way he sounds isn't a sound at all. It's a river into which words are thrown.

Silence is golden...but in times of tyranny it is blood red

Success has always been a great liar.

Much contemporary verse reads like failed short-short stories rather than failed poetry.

Nobody listens to mathematicians.

I have lots of ideas and put pressure on myself to action them all. This can make life very busy so organisation can sometimes be crazy.

I don't like this idea of division: that if you're a clever woman then you've got to be a particular way. Because men don't. Men please themselves.

Every great team that I've been on, the offensive linemen was the bell cows of the whole team.