There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

Being crazy doesn't mean being mentally challenged. Maybe it just means being you...amplified a 100 times over.

We can only do what is possible for us to do. But still it is good to know what the impossible is.

Older women are best, because they always think they may be doing it for the last time.

I believe most of the public should be involved in the election of the leadership.

That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said, 'Goodbye'.

God gives you a life and says, 'Okay, what are you going to do with it?'

Just watching Jack Lemmon made me want to get into this business.

I was raised by somebody with the perception of trying to allow me the space and show me the importance of knowing who I was and figuring out who I was and appreciating who I was.

Love is the ultimate, the end. You love for love's own sake. It is not a means to anything else, it is its own end.

Where my reason, imagination or interest were not engaged, I would not or I could not learn.