There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence.

Anybody can act violently--there is nothing to it, but not every person is able to destroy his enemy with words.

Time is the moving image of eternity.

But I've been freestyling and messing around with rhyming since I was 13. That's when I really started listening to hip-hop music.

The more conscious I am of the work God has yet to do in me, the less critical I am about what he has yet to do in you

I'm not really in any competition with anyone, I'm not in any race.

Once you see the good in someone, it's hard not to notice the good in everyone.

It's not healthy to live life as a succession of isolated little cool moments.

If you're trying to do something different, you can't ask someone to help, because they'll want to make it not different.

It's important to hold something back, though, because quite frankly my personal life is pretty dull and I don't want to bore people with it.

There is salvation only for the brave.