There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Everyone ought to decide his or her own fate.

Someday you will wake up feeling 51 percent happy and slowly, molecule by molecule, you will feel like yourself again.

Be at peace with yourself, or you'll be at war with everyone.

Respect the place you live, be aware of the impact that you have on things.

Imagination creates some big monsters.

Absent or dead, still let a friend be dear.

By the time they got to Denholm Street, day had been beaten back and the night was soaking through the city.

The only thing that would keep me from winning the election is to be caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy

I want to be one of those cool people that's like, "What is Twitter?" and just be totally blind to it.

We don't get paid for being busy, we get paid for being right.