There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Ghost towns filled with sad people who settled for what life offered them. The road unfurls before us. Everything is possible. I feel sick to my stomach.

I'll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one

I didn't have an imaginary friend, and even if I did I'm sure it would have been derivative of something I saw on television.

In seeking success you must also seek fulfillment. Ask yourself not only what you want to be but who you want to be.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

It's an old saying that one still has to know something, despite everything.

I think that women are wonderful but I've never met one yet who didn't show more feeling than logic.

Individual honors and scoring championships are great, but my No. 1 goal is to win the Stanley Cup.

Well, for us, in history where goodness is a rare pearl, he who was good almost takes precedence over he who was great.

God would never have let us long for our friends with such a strong and holy love, if they were not waiting for us.