There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Before you find your soul mate, you must first discover your soul.

While photography is the easiest medium in which to be competent, it is the hardest in which to develop an idiosyncratic personal vision.

God is immutable—He never changes! His ministry to you is complete, on target, and constant!

Dear soulmate, I don't know who you are, where you live, or what you look like. But I pray for you every nite and I ask God to point you in my direction.

I feel like we have so many different ways to express ourselves now, and I relish, I feel very lucky to be doing comedy.

Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe; a moment that never was before and never will be again.

The new Pope knows that his task is to make the light of Christ shine before men and women of world - not his own light, but that of Christ.

I am very much interested in getting parents to read to children, and trying to get people mentoring children. If I can do both I'll be happy.

We are only the trustees for those who come after us.