There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier.

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

I have found that most people are more willing to accept physical pain and limitation rather than acknowledge and deal with the mental and/or emotional pain that might have caused it.

Inner peace is the sacred-strength of peaceful existence.

My mother always told meNo monster lived beneath my bed, But she had failed to warn meIt laid on top of it instead.

I hit your thigh!”“Oh, please. A man doesn’t need that long to recover from a knee to the thigh.

I'm conservative, but I'm not a nut about it.

The true value of communication is often not so much what you say to each other but the simple, powerful fact that you care enough to say something to each other so often.

The devil will give up when he sees that you are not going to give in.

I would like to bury myself in an Indian village, preferably in a Frontier village.

It doesn't matter that the way of life shown by Hollywood was phony. It helped you hope.

Since I've been in the U.S. I've lost the back of my heart, 15 ft. of intestine and my marriage - and God, I miss my intestine.