There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players, where do all the audiences come from?

It's like your children talking about holidays, you find they have a quite different memory of it from you. Perhaps everything is not how it is, but how it's remembered.

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out.

If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.

What is a harp but an oversized cheese slicer with cultural pretensions?

Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.

A counter tenor is anyone who can count to ten.

Alas! I thought I had only a friendship for you, but the grief I now feel convinces me, that I cannot live without you.

The boat from India was a crowded place

Individualism is rather like innocence there must be something unconscious about it.

Let me revel in this one thought: before God made the heavens and the earth, He set His love upon me.

I do reinvent old hits of mine and sort of give them a new life.

I brainwashed youngsters into doing wrong. I want to say sorry to children everywhere for selling out to people who make millions by murdering other living creatures.

Forbearance is a form of generosity.

Maybe I should sit. Plenty of people use sitting as a way to pass the time.

If you are British, you soon get used to people not loving you. The Irish remind us of offenses from 100 years ago. Perhaps we should react to what the French did to us even longer ago.

So I live among barbarous tribes, a stranger and exile for the love of God.