There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust." "There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

So long as atrocities remain remote, abstract, they will be tolerated, even by decent people.

We have this history of impossible solutions to insoluble problems.

Graffiti is only dangerous in the mind of three types of people; politicians, advertising executives and graffiti writers.

I draft quickly and then revise, a lot.

Humor is falling downstairs if you do it in the act of telling your wife not to.

What is your religion? I mean-not what you know about religion but the belief that helps you most?

A prince should suspect everything.

Every moment has a momentous gift for you.

Put faith in one who's had experience.

There is an ongoing battle between conscience and self-interest in which, at some point, we have to take sides.