There's no national glue holding us together because somebody put too much pluribus in the unum.

A home without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.

If you ever meet someone who cannot understand why solitary confinement is considered punishment, you have met a misanthrope.

I simply like guns because you can't shoot people without them.

I wasn't used to children and they were getting on my nerves. Worse, it appeared that I was a child, too. I hadn't known that before; I thought I was just short.

Writers who have nothing to say always strain for metaphors to say it in.

If we define a misanthrope as 'someone who does not suffer fools and likes to see fools suffer,' we have described a person with something to look forward to.

The more immoral we become in big ways, the more puritanical we become in little ways.

God may have loved the common people, but a trip to any shopping mall suggests that He made far too many of them.

Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other.

Democracy is the fig leaf of elitism.

A maggot is just another life form.

Let your requests be made known unto God.

When she would walk, it was like rhythm. The guys' heads would bounce, but I wouldn't look because I was married.

When you're older and wiser a lot of the ego has gone out of the window.

One of the things that I'm glad about, though, is that regular people can relate to me.

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

I don't like my whole life dragged out. I don't want anyone to know about me, because I don't think I'm very interesting... I like my work. I like what I gave. And that was it.

For sheer excitement you can keep movie premieres and roller-coasters . An empty white canvas waiting to be filled. That's the thing.

The universe has no prince or king that it [Rome] would consider equal to its humblest citizen.