There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

For a case study in personal branding. Google “Jarod Kintz.” He’s kind of a big deal.

My dreams were at once more fantastic and agreeable than my writings.

I felt deep within me that the highest point a man can attain is not Knowledge or Virtue or Goodness or Victory but something even greater, more heroic and more despairing: Sacred Awe!

some of us have so much defeat in our past that we feel we lost the race before we knew it started.

Yeah. Science doesn't end. That's the one thing I learned. People think of science as spitting out right answers, and that's it. It's always under review.

As interesting as that music can occasionally be, I don't think it really replaces the other.

It's all about who your team is and who your people are.

The thing about chameleoning your way through life is that it gets to where nothing is real.

I am here to seduce you into a love of life; to help you to become a little more poetic; to help you die to the mundane and to the ordinary so that the extraordinary explodes in your life. .

Yes, in socialism the rich will be poorer - but the poor will also be poorer. People will lose interest in really working hard and creating jobs.