There's no such thing as 'too late!' That's why they invented death!

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

Every actor looks all his life for a part that will combine his talents with his personality... 'The Odd Couple' was mine. That was the plutonium I needed. It all started happening after that.

I don't mind my wife having to last word. In fact I'm delighted when she reaches it.

Why don't you do the world a favour. Pull your bottom lip up over your head and swallow.

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.

I always had one ear offstage, listening for the call from the bookie.

My mother paid eight dollars a month for rent. When she had it. Mostly we were evicted, because she couldnt afford to pay the eight dollars a month.

We're writing a book together. She just finished one. Did you read it? Among the Porcupines?

Get out of show business. Its the best advice I ever got, because Im so stubborn that if someone would tell me that, I would stay in it to the bitter end.

I never worked with Marilyn Monroe, but if she'd lived, I think she would have been all right. She would have been President of the United States.

I will keep on loving you until eternity comes to make me love you more

Modern civilisation is complicated and artificial. Simple folk live in a world of love and peace. Let no one hate another or harm another.

Ma? I think you have the spirit of husband-repelling. You are too hard, ma, you will not find a husband. But my pastor can destroy that spirit.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens.

Having your goal to focus on is key, but don't let it become more important than your excellence next year and the year after.

Though we claim to believe the whole of Scripture, in practice we frequently deny much of it by ignoring it.

Credulity is the sister of innocence.

Time glides with undiscover'd haste; The future but a length behind the past.

Still, life carries on. Exams to be examined. Serious things to be thingied.

While I live I will never resort to irredeemable paper.