There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

When I was your age, television was called books.

Men. You can't live with them...and you can't legally shoot them. I tossed out my husband eight years ago and got a llama instead. Best decision I ever made.

Wise men appreciate all men, for they see the good in each and know how hard it is to make anything good.

For top executives to award themselves these kinds of compensation packages in the midst of this economic crisis isn't just bad taste, it's bad strategy, and I will not tolerate it as president.

if it's not in my email archive, I don't know it

Evangelistic preaching is what Daddy does, I never thought I would.

I used to sit on the roof of the apartment where Jim Morrison used to write his early lyrics

Cherishing children is the mark of a civilized society.

There is no question that the older you get, the fewer good roles there are.

Man is wise only while in search of wisdom; when he imagines he has attained it, he is a fool.