There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I love you, even if there isn’t any me, or any love, or even any life. I love you.

Travel teaches as much as a teacher.

Within her simple, terrified mind, swift calculations of distance and speed were at work, and her face advertised the disappointing results.

Few of the great works of ancient Greek literature are easy reading.

We culture. Rap is the new rock 'n roll. We the rockstars. It's been like that for a minute, Hedi Slimane!

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Embryonic stem cell research has the potential to alleviate so much suffering. Surely, by working together we can harness its life-giving potential.

Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!

Sour patch kids gone wild.

Votes are something that you earn.