There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Cure the symptoms, cure the disease.

Coaches will eventually notice a great attitude, and they respect that.

For me, if I can design beautiful things that have the price be lower, I am thrilled.

Sudden money is going from zero to two hundred dollars a week. The rest doesn't count.

I don't want people to chop off the citizens' or anybody's heads in the Middle East, OK? Because they're Christian or Muslim or anything else.

I've worked since I was a five-year-old to be a performer.

Elvis Presley? He's God.

Gun is the instrument of the coward and the weak!

I read 'The Good Soldier' by Ford Madox Ford again every so often.

Just remember, forgiveness is a way of setting yourself free of the bondage put on you by others. There is liberty to he had in it.