There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

He smelled like a sultry summer storm—cool, refreshing rain, sweltering, hot wind, and charged, electric thunder—all rolled up into one extremely enticing vampire being.

Shout the truth, if you want to degoogle the google.” Says Bhutta

Until kids find something worth dying for, they don't have anything worth living for.

You must not let your opponent know how you feel.

I know I'll work, but not when or where. I never know what to pack.

A second wife is hateful to the children of the first; A viper is not more hateful.

If you make an honest picture of war, it will be an antiwar photograph.

I wanted to be a jockey. I'm serious. First time I got on a horse, I loved it. That's what I wanted to be, but my dad asked me to start performing with my family.

An apt aphorism half kills, half immortalizes.

He smiles but rarely and watches other men to see when they laugh and then does the same.