There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

So, great. This is Camp…what do you call it? Camp Fish-Blood?”Aphros frowned. “I hope that was a joke. This is Camp __________.” He made a sound that was a series of sonar pings and hisses.

We can't find the cat, We don't know where she's at, Oh, where did she go?Does anyone know?Let's ask this walking hat.

We all leave behind bits of loose thread. Old operations, old enemies. They pull at you, like memories of old lovers.

When an audience shares your prejudices you can always count on their applause.

As far as U.S. tennis, we need new stars coming up in the pipeline, but I don't know if we have it.

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

In every perceived failure or setback is the seed of success.

Decency is the least of all laws, but yet it is the law which is most strictly observed.

Zen is not a philosophy, it is poetry. It does not propose, it simply persuades. It does not argue, it simply sings its own song.

If I had my way, I'd remove January from the calendar altogether and have an extra July instead.