There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The way Bunker loved me, so fully, clearly, and without exception, helped me remember every day to try to bring that kind of love to myself and others in my life.

How do you know love is gone? If you said that you would be there at seven and you get there by nine and he or she has not called the police - it's gone.

Time is a very precious gift- so precious that it is only given to us moment by moment.

There is a way to bring peace and harmony to yourself even in the most difficult of times.

Rooting for the Yankees is like owning a yacht.

What do you do when it rains?" The captain answered frankly. "I get wet.

I mean, our primary businesses in wholesale pipelines, utilities, retail, were all doing extremely well.

I think back, when I saw The Great Gatsby, the film, my grandfather probably helped supply all the alcohol to all these Southampton parties, back then.

Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet.

Bells are musics laughter.