There's only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

I would not have been able to articulate it at that time, but I had begun a painful journey toward an impossible goal, a journey that lasted a long time: how to love a God who hurts you.

I'm Used To, Being Used, Not Abused.

A good laugh helps us recognize how ridiculous it is to get excited about matters that are often trivial. . . .

My greatest happiness is to serve my gracious King and Country and I am envious only of glory

Since I wrote to you last we have got our chapel beautifully lighted with gas and have had our anniversary.

I love what I do, but I never want to OD on celebrity.

There are some things we should feel guilty about, but the guilt feelings should attach to the deed, not to the doer.

To do the same thing over and over again is not only boredom: it is to be controlled by rather than to control what you do.

A footman may swear; but he cannot swear like a lord. He can swear as often: but can he swear with equal delicacy, propriety, and judgment?

When you fight on set, you try to not hurt anybody.