There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When one has a grateful heart, life is so beautiful.

..and when he let her go, it was as if she had been filled and didn't realize it until he pulled away and the absence rushed back in.

My passion and great enjoyment for architecture, and the reason the older I get the more I enjoy it, is because I believe we - architects - can effect the quality of life of the people.

Know yourself and fit yourself to new fashions. For there is a new ruler among the gods.

Religion is in the heart, not in the knees.

I once had a girl, or should I say she once had me.

I'm not afraid of the press or the Militia.

Give yourself freedom to try out new things Don't be so set in your ways that you can't grow.

There is false humility and genuine humility and between them, there is a desire of the practitioner to become humble.