There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I am too sick to lay downthe sidewalks frighten methe whole damned city frightens me, what I will becomewhat I have becomefrightens me.

A beautiful smile is the prettiest ornament that you can find. Happiness is the prettiest color for your imaginative mind.

Words are powerful. They too can be the agents of what is new, of what is conceivable and can be thought and let loose upon the world.

I really like acting but, just now, the more I read a script I find myself thinking I'd like to direct rather than act.

Just a rat, she repeated to herself. After all, there were rats in the palace. Human and otherwise. Could be worse.

The vast majority (over 80 percent) of fast-food and similar low wage service jobs (<$9.24/hr) are held by adults. A quarter are adults over 40. Another quarter are moms raising kids.

The world is beautiful, but has a disease called man.

I play the piano and have been playing since I was 7, mainly classical Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart.

I think the evangelicals want to provoke an immense global disaster to precipitate the second coming of Christ.

What a delighted fascination it is, to stand aside and watch our dearest friend perform on stage without us.