There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Stories do not change, only the lives they live in do.

Walk with me now into this very bright night, and revere with me in silence what must be God-given and what is surely God-taken.

If there is disturbance in the camp, the general's authority is weak.

Fear is the start of wisdom.

Gone before To that unknown and silent shore.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran ... in one shot on his website he appears to be dressed only in flowers. Oh - here's the page, you'll see what I mean.

Contentment comes not so much from great wealth as from few wants.

Each person is living for himself; his own happiness is all he can ever personally feel.

I know how to play comedy when it's needed. So even when it's really not there, my facial expressions are really great. I have a lot of facial expressions in my face, you know.

The sea was angry that day my friend, like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli.