There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

It's fun to invent systems and meanings and then poke holes in them.

I have so many indie bands on my iPod. What I don't really understand is the attitude that if a band is unknown, they're good, and if they get fans, then you move on to the next band.

Success is uncommon, not to be found by the common man. I'm looking for uncommon people.

As Americans, we go forward, in the service of our country, by the will of God.

Nothing reveals a man's character better than the kind of joke at which he takes offense.

Futures not achieved are only branches of the past: dead branches.

The era of ‘yes’ has begun.

I want my kids to head out the door full of peace, not the echoes of my frustrations.

It's hard to be a friend to someone who's depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.

By silence, I hear other men's imperfections and conceal my own.