There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The world before us is a postcard, and I imagine the story we are writing on it.

All pain in life comes from suppressing your true identity.

The good thing about problems is that they all have solutions.

"It's a question of discipline," the little prince told me later on. "When you've finished washing and dressing each morning, you must tend your planet."

In Missouri, it's a 50/50 state, so I'm kind of used to half the state being mad at me.

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day.

Most fears cannot withstand the test of careful scrutiny and analysis. When we expose our fears to the light of thoughtful examination they usually just evaporate.

Full of thrills and tension - but smart and human too.

I know that human beings are better together than they are apart, as much as I fought that all my life.

Cullen is up there killing my children. He's killing everyone.