There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

If he's not real, you'll know. Men have never washed a rented car.

It takes a while to spoil a world, but it can be done.

Why, he was so handsome and brave that no one would ever have suspected that he was bookish!

Time is a file that wears and makes no noise.

Belts are immaterial. What's material to me is who have you fought, how many rounds have you fought, how many fights have you fought.

You can be so dignified that you obscure the reality of what is going on.

Character is what you have when nobody is looking.

Oh, he is cute!” Shane said in a fake girly voice. “Gee, maybe we can ask him out!” “Shut up, you weasel. Claire, hit him!

I'm not a beautiful woman. I'm nothing to look at, so the only thing I can do is dress better than anyone else.

When anything can be art, art is not much of anything.